Oatmeal Cookie, a Danger by Design AE
by BladePixie100
Summary: Nancy Drew has just solved the ending puzzle! Now it's time to confront the culprit, right? Well, this is definitely not your normal ND ending...
1. Chapter 1

The iron bars trapping Nancy in the room filled with stained glass rose with a creak as Nancy entered the solution to the puzzle. She wasn't quite sure why Noisette would want to trap her there. Nancy had gone through so much trouble to find the artwork: getting alcohol for a creepy park vendor, using a pie tin to scare away a dumb squirrel, _and _diving in the catacombs of Paris while mutant rats that possessed superhuman strength carried off her book of codes. She'd done all this, Noisette had even called her a friend in that letter she wrote, and then Noisette TRAPS her? It was no wonder Miss Tornade wasn't well liked!

Nancy ascended the stairs leading back up to the Moulin, threw open the trapdoor, jumped out, and started singing Charlie Sheen's "Winning." She had gotten to, "I'm bi-winning" before she opened her eyes and bumped right into a fuming Minette, who was blocking the door.

Minette began yelling, "_What _do you think you're doing coming out of the floor like that? You've been spying on me haven't you, you little-" Her rants were interrupted by the phone ringing. "Nancy, get the phone or you're fired!"

Nancy narrowed her eyes, fed up with her boss. "No, I will _not_ answer the phone for you, you lazy nitwit! I'm sick of doing all these ridiculous things for you, that's what Heather's for! Wait, I wasn't spying on you."

"You mean you weren't sent to spy on me and expose my secret relationship with Carol?" Minette stepped casually in front of the dress form with which she'd been having a tea party with moments earlier.

"Of course not!" Nancy exclaimed, getting a bit weirded out. "But there is something suspicious about Carol! Planning to bug the world summit eh?" She strode up to Carol and felt the red dress for microchips, but strangely she couldn't find any.

Minette chortled evilly. "Oh, Nancy, Nancy, Nancy. You thought _I _was the culprit? Don't you know what this is?"

Poor Nancy was completely confused. "This-this makes no sense! You're supposed to have these stereotypically evil and stupid Russian dudes paying you to make a bugged dress for the first lady. I'm supposed to fight you and lamely remark on how I've fought imaginary elves stronger than you!" Suddenly it dawned on Nancy. "This isn't an-"

"Yes. I'm afraid this is an alternate ending," answered Minette.

Nancy sighed and moaned, "Oh no, I _hate _those things. They always have me falling for Henry Bolet or something."

As Nancy was bemoaning her situation there came a knock upon the door. Minette sighed and opened the door, the first thing she'd done for herself in the whole game. Jean-Michel zoomed into the room. No one, not even perceptive Nancy, had noticed that his chair and cafe table had wheels. _Wow, he really _does _never leave that table_, thought Nancy. Jean glanced between the stunned faces of Minette and Nancy until he suddenly burst into tears. "It's not my fault, you know!" he blubbered. "I sat down in this chair 8 years ago and I haven't been able to get up since. All I can do now is eat parfaits, write snotty magazine columns, and wheel myself into ending sequences where I'm unwelcome! Speaking of which... Henri, parfait!"

"D'accord," came the voice of the waiter. Henri appeared out of nowhere, bearing an extra large L'enfer parfait. Jean dried his tears on Henri's sleeve and cried, "Oh Henri! What would I do without you?"

Henri suddenly displayed emotion for the first time as he swatted Jean-Michel away and shouted, "Ne me touchez pas!" Jean glumly buried his face in his parfait and cried as Henri rushed away.

During this, Heather had wandered in from her desk. "What the heck is going on here?" she asked. She angrily pointed at Nancy. "And YOU! How dare you get me fired by telling Minette about that threatening note I sent her, you-you fink!"

Nancy awkwardly cleared her throat. "Um, Heather? I actually didn't get you fired in this playthrough of the game," she whispered. But Minette still heard her.

"Heather, you did WHAT? You're fired!"

Heather began to scream. She picked up the teapot and flung it at Nancy, then sobbed with Jean for six seconds. Finally she linked arms with Minette and laughed robustly for exactly four seconds. She finished just as Dieter VonSchwesterkrank fell through the ceiling. No one batted an eye, what with the other strange things going on in this alternate ending.

Heather gasped with delight. "Dieter, darling! I have a gift for you to prove how much I've always loved you!" She rummaged in her purse to present Dieter with a stuffed parrot which she waved around in his face.

Dieter turned away in disgust. "Heather, you're acting rather pathetic." Then he turned to Minette and fell on his knees, kissing her feet, and cried, "Oh, beloved Minette! I've never met someone as rude as you! Marry me! I've never stopped loving you!"

Minette stared out the window at the stars beginning to show and whispered, "And I've never stopped loving you... Sonny Joon."


	2. Chapter 2

Heather stared, dumbfounded. Jean Michelle slowly took a bite of parfait, looking around the room and wondering why it'd got so quiet all of a sudden. Dieter curled up into a ball on the floor and silently wept. Unfortunately for him, he was on the trap door; he fell through, tumbling down the stairs and breaking each and every one of them as he went down. He was quite trapped.

Minette remained gazing out at the stars, knowing that her beloved Sonny was out there somewhere, discovering aliens and planets. How delightfully _rude. _She sighed and said, "I just couldn't help myself from the day I saw him doodling 'Meanette,' in his notebook. He had the cutest way of unwrapping a Koko Kringle bar." She smiled wistfully. "I knew he didn't return my love though. So I acted like my normal self and yelled at him for everything. I admired him from afar, even going so far as to wrap my head in a shawl and disguise myself as a park vendor so I could spy on him more."

Meanwhile, Nancy was angry that Minette had been the one to charge her so much for a sprig of mint, but she'd had just about enough of all these declarations of love. "The jig is up, Minette!" she shouted. "You're just making all this stuff up to distract me from the rather overlooked mystery of why you wear that mask, aren't you?" And with that, she ran up to Minette and whisked off her mask with a grand flourish.

Minette immediately clutched her hand over her face and began singing/yelling, "CURSE you, you little snooper! DARN you, you little teenager! Is this what you wanted to see?" She thrust her hands out, giving Nancy a full view of her unmasked face and... Absolutely nothing was wrong with it. "Hideous, isn't it?" Minette murmured, her shoulders slumped.

"Um, Minette? I have no idea what you're talking about," said Nancy.

"Don't you see? The tattoo! It's right there! Look at my chin! Look closely!" Minette wailed.

Sure enough, there was a tiny green spot on her chin. Upon closer examination with her magnifying glass, Nancy discovered that it was a miniscule alien tattoo. "Oh my gosh," Nancy said to herself. Sonny Joon? _Really? _But before Nancy could ponder this further, Jing Jing Ling emerged from the teapot in the front of the room, holding a plate of her delicious chocolate chip cookies.

Nancy, unfazed, said, "JJ, how nice of you to join us! Wow, I didn't know you could fit yourself in teapot like that! It's sort of like how I can fit tons of things, including a hefty M380 decoder and a wetsuit into my tiny bag."

JJ smiled and offered Nancy a chocolate chip cookie. Nancy happily obliged; she eagerly bit into one, but a moment later her face shriveled up in disgust and she spit it out. She looked up at JJ in horror, and sputtered, "That was _not _a chocolate chip cookie! It was oatmeal raisin!" Nancy knew that only an ND villain could be so evil as to give someone an oatmeal raisin cookie and say it was chocolate chip.

JJ gave an evil grin, which confirmed Nancy's suspicions. "That's right Nancy! _I'm _the one behind all these shenanigans!" chuckled JJ. "Wait, what was the crime in this game again? Oh, I remember! 'Twas I who sent Minette those threatening notes and dead flowers! And I even released a boa constrictor into Dieter's studio and made you lose your luggage-just for fun! Ha-ha!"

"But _why_?" Nancy cried.

"Because I'm Dwayne Powers!" JJ yelled triumphantly. And she ripped off her wig and the mask that Nancy had thought was her face. To her disappointment, she got no reaction out of Nancy. "What, you don't believe me?" she asked her.

"No, actually I don't," answered Nancy.

"You're right," JJ giggled, "I'm actually... Tino Balducci!" She took off her Dwayne Powers wig and mask to reveal the hair and face of Tino Balducci. "Okay, fine. The real reason isn't as interesting as that." She took off her final mask and wig until she looked like JJ again. "I'm doing this for Hugo Butterly."

"Don't tell me you're in love with _him_ now," groaned Nancy.

JJ said, "It's not quite like that. He was sick of people buying Minette's dreadful creations over his, so he decided he had to get rid of her, once and for all. The only problem was that he was too busy to do this, and he was having a hard time finding anyone he trusted enough to do it for him. He confided all this to me while I was working as a model for him, and I in turn confessed to him how I longed to be an actress. We worked out a little deal, you see. He had some major connections in Hollywood and he promised me that he could get me a role in a big upcoming movie if I were to take down Minette for him."

"Wow, I'm the victim, and even _I'm _getting bored with this long villain confession," muttered Minette. JJ threw the teapot at her to get her to shut up.

JJ went on, "So I began sending Minette threatening notes to drive her away. I even bought electrician's manuals so I could set a paint bomb on her door, but a certain nosy teenager got in the way of that." Here she glared at Nancy, who was not doing anything to stop her. "But Minette was having me do so much modeling, that I had very little time to threaten her anymore. So I hired someone to help _me_: Jean Michelle."

Nancy, Minette, and Heather gave a collective gasp, even though much stranger things had already happened. "Yes it's all true!" Jean Michelle sobbed. "I disguised my voice as a creepy Russian man so I could threaten Minette while JJ was modeling. JJ and I had a deal, you see. She had some major connections in the modeling world, even greater than my own, and she promised me that she could score me a spot on the runway if I were to help her take down Minette. I-I just want to be a model. You can't arrest me for following my dreams, Nancy. Come on, don't you think I'd be good at it?" To prove his point, he struck a cat-like pose and meowed, which made everyone feel extremely awkward.

"You could have been a model in one of my fashion shows, Mr. Michelle," said Heather sympathetically.

"Be quiet, Heather. Your designs are almost as ugly as those pinstriped pants you're wearing," Jean Michelle snapped. Enraged, Heather began using Minette's anger management technique again.

Wearily, Nancy asked, "Yeah whatever JJ, is it time for me to catch you yet?"

JJ shrugged and said, "Yes, I suppose so. I can't think of anything else we're supposed to do. I mean-uh-you'll never catch me! I'm sick of sending all these threatening notes to Minette to get rid of her! The only thing left to do is kill her! You know what to do, Raisin Cookie!" Her evilly named boa constrictor appeared by her side. "Kill Minette! After that, I'm going to escape back to Hugo and become a famous actress, because then it totally won't be easy to find me and arrest me!"


	3. Chapter 3

The boa constrictor was fast approaching Minette. What could she do? She spotted Heather in front of her and threw her to the snake. "Take Heather!" she screamed. And I regret to say, that the snake did indeed begin to coil around Heather and choke the life out of her. Meanwhile JJ had hopped onto Carol, whom she hoped to use to make a fast getaway. Flames issued out of Carol's base and JJ and Carol launched up and soared right through the roof of the Moulin. The flames badly burned Minette, but quite frankly, she deserved it for sacrificing Heather.

Nancy had to stop her! She rushed out the front door of the Moulin and squinted up at the sky. There was JJ, zooming around on Carol and whooping like a maniac, having too much fun to leave just yet. Nancy thought for a moment. _Hmm, there was a picture of Carol flying in Sonny's notebook. Maybe something else in the notebook could help me. _The first thing she saw was a picture of Jean Michelle's medallion. That was it! She ran back into Minette's room where Heather was still being strangled and was turning a nasty shade of purple. "I'll be with you in just a moment, Heather," Nancy called. She yanked off Jean's medallion, hurried back outside, and shined the medallion in JJ's eyes, blinding her.

JJ couldn't steer! She fumbled around, desperately trying to find something to hold on to. Much to Nancy's delight, she lost her balance and tumbled off Carol. Unfortunately for Nancy, JJ landed right on top of her, pinning her to the ground, and knocking both of them out. Jean Michelle had the good sense to call the police. They arrived just in time to save Heather and arrest JJ.

Epilogue: JJ and Hugo were jailed and given a very long sentence. However JJ's sentence was a bit longer, since her charges included illegally owning a boa constrictor and training it to strangle people. JJ cheerfully passed her days in prison playing hangman. They decided not to imprison Jean Michelle however, because all he did was make one phone call, and also because he was so pathetic looking. Instead they sentenced him to join a gym, where he eventually lost enough weight to get unstuck from his cafe table and was able to follow his dreams and be a runway model.

Minette had such terrible burn scars from Carol, that she _had_ to wear a mask for the rest of her life. Her repulsive features prevented anyone from loving her. Heather recovered from the boa constrictor incident, but shortly afterward she passed away; it was partly from a freak squirrel attack, and partly from a broken heart caused by Dieter not returning her calls.

Of course, Dieter didn't return her calls because he was dead. Nancy had acquired amnesia when JJ fell on her, and she didn't remember to tell the police about any of the stained glass artwork she found, or that Dieter was trapped in a secret passage under the Moulin. Jean Michelle, Heather, and Minette remembered that he was trapped, but they didn't care enough to tell anyone, so Dieter starved to death, all alone.

As for our heroine, Nancy Drew? She never regained her memory. She forgot she was an amateur sleuth and thought she was a Koko Kringle bar thief, so she was imprisoned for life after she tried to pull off a huge candy bar heist. She was convicted by the ever awesome, Sonny Joon, who devoured all the Koko Kringle bars she had stolen, drifted from job to job, and continued being generally awesome, inspiring many more alien tattoos to come.


End file.
